Finding Purpose Through Loss
A lesson in devotion vs distraction
My partner died earlier this year. You may wonder why I’d choose to write about something so personal in a public forum. Rest assured, I’m not planning to disclose intimate details of our last treasured moments together, yet in living through it I’ve realized there is something profoundly important in this most intense of human experiences. Something that reveals the fundamental truths about those precious ‘treasured moment’ feelings, which give life its significance and emotional juice.
Prior to Roger’s illness I was making a start on an article about distractions. It was to be the final article in a series on ‘Emerging from Inner Lockdown’ that I had begun in Spring 2021. I had made a grand gesture by declaring that I would go on a month long ‘distraction-fast’ in the hope of providing some useful anecdotal research for the article, as well as making me a tad more efficient.
My efforts to fulfil the distraction-fast were pitiful for the first couple of weeks as I wrestled with self-discipline and with the annoying subjectivity of my intention. How do you define what is and what isn’t a distraction anyway? As I was grappling with this conundrum, a change of circumstance would soon lead me to experience the antithesis of distraction in a way I would never have imagined.
It was 6 weeks between Roger’s terminal diagnosis and death, and in that time I experienced what it’s like to have unwavering focus and be completely free from distractions. Odd as it may sound, despite the significant challenges we were dealing with, I found it to be as powerfully positive as it was painful. The joy of being able to express love and dedication in such a way was palpable. My devotion was absolute. It reconnected me with the fullness of being totally present, the certainty of knowing what really matters most, the awareness of how precious each moment is, the knowing that every interaction is meaningful, and that every gesture of help, support, caring is vital and deeply appreciated.
It struck me how straightforward life is when you have a true sense of purpose — when you are focused on something you care so deeply about that you don’t have to think twice about doing it. There’s no need for motivation or discipline. In Roger’s final weeks, although there were many tough emotional conversations, distressing developments and long hours of sitting, there was never a moment of boredom, no ‘poor me’, no resentment and no wishing I wasn’t doing what I was doing. Instead, there was total acceptance; a willingness to embrace the situation and give it my all. I felt there was something incredibly precious about living in this way, despite the circumstances.
Being so deeply devoted through the most intimate of times, showed me the path to purpose. Dedication to someone or something you care deeply about is where it’s at. I’d read about this in books, heard about it in inspirational talks but never truly lived it.
When I look at how I was living and working prior to Roger’s illness, I can clearly see that the times I was feeling lost and unfulfilled, this is what was missing. I had been enjoying my work but I wasn’t really passionate about it — there’s an important distinction. I hadn’t fully appreciated just how powerful the energy could be when I let go of the complex juggling act of everyday life and replaced it with a singular focus on fulfilling a clear purpose.
In the absence of a heart-felt purpose, life can seem like one big distraction in that nothing feels like it matters very much and we find ourselves bouncing, pinball-style, back and forth between random demands, none of which provide lasting fulfilment.
I can now see clearly that I’ve spent so much time in my head — intellectualizing, theorizing, philosophizing, detached from my emotions. And as I write this, I recall the well known saying that the longest distance anyone will travel in their lives is the 18 inches between their head and their heart. I’m hugely grateful to have travelled that journey and, having taken those agonizing but ultimately life-affirming steps, any steps backwards would be an unwelcome compromise. It leaves me wondering how to pursue true heart-centered living.
If I were to summarize the essence of my experience in living through terminal illness and death it is this:
· Presence
· Clarity of focus
· Deep caring and connection
· Being of service
· Unique personal ownership (knowing what’s mine to do)
It seems apparent that there are many parallels between this list of words and the essence of living a life of purpose. I don’t believe there is such a thing as the perfect job or the perfect path to lasting fulfilment; it’s all in the quality of what we bring to it. And we can only find ‘it’ by knowing ourselves intimately, living courageously and getting fully immersed in the things we love the most.
In retrospect, it turns out that I fulfilled my distraction-fast - not in the way I ever intended yet in a way that brought profound and lasting impact. I now find myself at a pivotal point in my own eternal journey of change, still emerging from my own personal lockdown — raw, vulnerable and uncertain yet with quiet assurance knowing I am better equipped to find my way.
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If you are interested to read any of the previous articles in the series, the links are below:
Part 1: Emerging From Inner Lockdown
Part 2: Finding Freedom From Fear
Part 3: Confessions of a Personal Development Junkie
Part 4: The Entrenched Belief That All Perfectionists, Workaholics and Busy-ness Addicts Share
Part 5: The Habits That All Conflict Avoiders Should Practice