The Entrenched Belief That All Perfectionists, Workaholics and Busy-ness Addicts Share
and cultivating the habit of un-doing
If you have a busy-all-the-time habit… if you feel guilty when you have a quiet couple of hours or get restless and uncomfortable when there’s nothing to do, just hang on… Before you move off to the next thing, might it be valuable for you to know what’s driving your relentless busy-ness and begin to consider if there’s a possible alternative? Can you give yourself the luxury of a few minutes’ contemplation?
To begin to shift to a new perspective, if I were to ask you to ponder one of those deep philosophical questions ‘Who am I?’, how would you answer?
I’ve asked this question countless times, to people from every business sector, in the quest for increased self-awareness. The responses provide a telling sneak-peak into the foundations of self-belief (aka Ego).
By far the most common answers to the ‘Who am I? question say something about roles — I am a mother, I am a team leader, I am an engineer… These kinds of responses demonstrate an underlying belief that we are defined by what we do. In other words, our fundamental belief is ‘Who I am equates with what I do’ and our self-worth is intrinsically linked with this.
It’s not difficult to see why so many of us share this belief. The message starts becoming hard-wired soon after birth. The joy of a parent in response to our first words, first steps or first successful potty poo is addictive fuel, and we soon learn that doing the right things wins praise and validation.
This typically works well as appropriate corrective conditioning until, sooner or later as other ways of building self-esteem prove less fruitful, we become over-reliant on the strategy of doing stuff to win approval. Evidently over time, as the habit becomes entrenched, this is what can lead us to becoming programmed to seek validation through our deeds and doing whatever it takes to avoid criticism. Before we realize what’s happened, it has become so deep-seated that change can seem impossible and we simply accept it as an intrinsic part of our personality.
I’ve worked with many extremely conscientious and outwardly successful people who readily acknowledge that this is their pattern. They know what needs to change, yet the fear of losing others’ respect (and indeed their own self-respect) keeps them hooked. Even though they can clearly see the pitfalls of over-committing, they rationalize why it’s necessary, why now is not the right time to change and just keep on going.
But what happens when we stop being acknowledged and appreciated for our efforts — when all our hard work is taken for granted? And when we have incredibly high expectations of ourselves, a lack of self-acknowledgement compounds the feeling of emptiness — slogging away and getting nothing back.
Inevitably there comes a time when it is just not possible to sustain the excessive imbalance of energy-output. Whether illness emerges, whether there is redundancy, retirement or something else, the busy-ness stops and leaves a devastating self-esteem crash in its wake. The inactive self, without its usual fix, carries the burden of its entrenched belief and feels useless, in-valid, worthless.
If this has happened to you or you recognize these familiar patterns of belief and behaviour, what can you do to change something that seems so deep-rooted?
Here are a few suggestions to counter the busy-ness habit and to start getting more comfortable with un-doing:
- Redefine success — go back to the ‘Who am I?’ question and look at it from the opposite angle. Ask yourself ‘Who am I if I don’t do X, Y or Z? What else about me is of value?’ Following this line of inner enquiry can start to open up new avenues of thinking that challenge your current mindset.
- Create a new meaning for inactivity — whether a period of inactivity is purposefully chosen or enforced, consider the potential value of it. The whole of nature thrives on balance, so could this be exactly what you need to find a more sustainable way for you to feel successful? I know of countless individuals who have had life-changing realizations during what appears to be a fallow period. Don’t underestimate it.
- Find other things to feel good about — consider, other than being active, what do you really love? Who or what fuels your energy without you having to do anything in return? What around you is freely and/or readily available that feels good?
- Find out what your family, friends and colleagues value about you — ask the people you’re closest to what they most value in you or what they would miss if you weren’t around. Even if it feels uncomfortably like fishing for compliments, why not? My guess is the things that really matter are not the tasks that you fulfil but the personal qualities you have. It can be quite a revelation to find out that you can be on the receiving end of genuine love and appreciation without having to do anything in return.
In my experience, these four suggestions are useful because they begin to challenge the unconscious patterns of thought and behaviour that have driven our habits for so long.
From my own experience, I’d add one more suggestion that I feel is essential when it comes to undoing the busy-ness habit; it’s the crème de la crème of game-changers that has been part of my routine for 30 years — meditation.
When I was first introduced to meditation, my 25-year-old self initially deemed it totally pointless and definitely not for people like me. The only possible value I could see was to provide a counter-balance to my habitually frantic pace of life. I now know that meditation can provide a whole new window on life, particularly by revealing what exists beyond Ego-driven thinking.
In meditation, no-one is looking, no-one expects anything, and there are no finite measures of success for the Ego to chase. Thoughts come and go with our detached observation, bringing greater serenity. In addition to the well-researched physical and mental health benefits, regular meditation also helps to broaden awareness, strengthen resilience, develop intuition and enhance both wisdom and compassion. All by doing nothing. Anyone could do it, at any time, any place and free of charge. The only downside is having to endure the protestations of the validation-seeking Ego that will try to convince you that you’re not cut out for it and/or it is a waste of time.
In relation to the central message of this article, meditation opens the door to a wider, more spiritual perspective — one that reassuringly knows ‘I am so much more than what I do’. Typically, regular meditation brings an awareness of being an intrinsic part of something much bigger and our place within that something doesn’t need to be earned. Our presence is enough.
Wonderful as it sounds in finding a way out of old habits, the reality is it does take time and effort. In fact, I remember coming to the paradoxical realization in my late 20s that ‘I have to work hard NOT to work hard’. What this means is that it takes consistent awareness and discipline to nudge the Ego out of the driving seat and find new ways to satisfy a life-long yearning for validation.
Fortunately, I no longer believe that I am at the mercy of having an intrinsic ‘Type A’ personality. It’s not ‘just the way I am’. The drive to be busy certainly still features in my thoughts, feelings, impulses and decisions, but I have at last found a more sustainable balance and recognize that none of us have to do something to be someone.
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If you’re interested to read Liz’s other articles in this series on the human relationship with change, follow the links below:
Part 1 — Why Inner Lockdown is Harder to Emerge From