Why Inner Lockdown is Harder to Emerge From
(and why we get stuck in situations we don’t want)
Whilst many people are excited about the novel prospect of emerging from lockdown life (at least here in Scotland), I’ve noticed a subtle yet unnerving reluctance — a quiet inner sense of ‘Er…hang on. I’m not sure I’m ready for this’ kind of feeling.
Regardless of what may be going on in the external world, my own inner world is going through its own processes, which bring their own challenges. And there are no prescribed guidelines to refer to when it comes to navigating this internal environment. If you’re in the same boat, whether that’s around coming out of lockdown or another situation that you feel stuck in, the good news is that in any set of circumstances, our reasons for resistance to change follow some predictable patterns. Understanding these reasons may help you move beyond your stuck situation with a little more ease and self-compassion.
After 30 years of working through personal change, both personally and professionally, I’ve seen the same causes of resistance show up consistently. Looking to understand these more deeply, I collated the most common themes and labelled them A-F as follows:
A. Attachments
B. Beliefs
C. Conflict
D. Distractions
E. Ego
F. Fear
In reality, these six issues are interconnected and bounce back and forth between each other like an incessant game of pinball. As I start at the bottom of the list with the F word, you’ll quickly see how it is the common denominator, intrinsically interwoven with the others. Beyond that, looking at A to E, exploring them one at a time will hopefully make them easier to digest. After giving a brief overview in this article, in the coming weeks I intend to do a longer piece on each one to help you recognize, address and overcome these ubiquitous causes of resistance.
THE F WORD — FEAR
I don’t know about you but I’m still scared. Usually I don’t use that word; I prefer to say ‘cautious’ as it sounds much more sensible. Clearly, fear has predominated in the media, and of course we need it to ensure we don’t put ourselves in danger. However, since the start of the pandemic, we’ve become conditioned to fear the things that we used to rely on to bring fun, relaxation and joy.
Even times I have ventured out to meet up with someone, the high-alert status seemed to put a veil over the interaction, draining the colour out of the experience. As a result, it just didn’t have the same appeal.
The very presence of fear, flashes ‘AVOID AVOID’ into our nervous systems, giving us vital time to step back and figure out what to do about the invisible threat. Despite the discomfort, we have all developed strategies to deal with it and find a way to manage our fight, flight, freeze, appease reactions. It’s what sensible and resilient humans do, even if at times we are unable to discern whether the fear is a real physical threat, or more mental and emotional. The odd thing is, as this fear-fuelled way of life becomes the norm, I also find myself noticing elements of fear around NOT living in this way. Bizarre!
Well, maybe not — the A — E causes of resistance may help in understanding why.
ATTACHMENTS
In the realm of making change, attachments are the things we find uncomfortable to let go of. This can be anything from simple aspects of our routine to particular points of view or treasured possessions. In the current circumstances, I can’t imagine many people being overly attached to staying in lockdown yet I know there are some side-benefits that I feel somewhat reluctant to let go of.
I’ve got quite accustomed to a quieter and simpler life, and definitely feel some resistance to that changing. The thought of having to give up long daily walks, adventurous bike rides and meaningful periods of reflection triggers feelings of resignation and concern.
When faced with losing something that has become important to us, depending on how much control we have over the outcome, we are likely to do one of two things — hold on (which keeps us stuck) or grieve our loss. Where there is a real conscious need for change, neither of these are comfortable. This leaves us in a mental and emotional tussle, wondering if we have what it takes to let go, move on and do things differently.
BELIEFS
Coming back to the current situation, is it just me, or has it become almost impossible to know who or what to believe? I live in a household where ‘official’ sources of truth are not automatically trusted. This is one up for independent thinking, yet it opens the door to so many contrasting points of view that I’ve found it nigh-on-impossible to discern truth about many recent issues. Information overload has set in and the result, predictably, is uncertainty. Hand in hand with uncertainty comes lack of confidence, whether in our leaders or in our everyday environment.
If we can’t find a reliable source of truth out there in the world, the only other place we can find it is within. But where do we go to find a strong foundation of self-belief? I’ve worked with some extraordinarily talented people over the years and it never ceases to amaze me how often brilliant people are debilitated by self-doubt. It seems that no amount of tangible achievement is enough to prove that they are good enough.
At a time when clarity and certainty are more important than ever, can you answer these questions?
· Who or what do I rely on as consistent sources of truth?
· Who or what can I trust?
For as long as you struggle to answer these, doubt will prevail. And, unless you are one of the rare few who have found a way to be comfortable with uncertainty, doubt will keep you stuck.
CONFLICT
In any environment where beliefs are not shared and differences of opinion prevail, conflict is inevitable. Given that the majority of people are conflict avoiders (85% of us according to one piece of research), the result is yet more fear.
When it comes to how to behave appropriately in the current climate, are there people in your social group whose behaviour no longer fits your idea of acceptable? The chances are this conflict will impact your choices re who to go and spend time with. After all, who wants to spend precious face-to-face time arguing or feeling uncomfortable?
To make it even more complex, in addition to the external conflicts that you may be dealing with, you are also juggling with inner conflict, as competing parts vie for their agenda. Is there a part of you that is excited about being free yet another part that wants to stay safe in your comfort zone?
My most pressing inner conflict is around speaking out vs keeping my mouth shut. If I tell my elderly parents something that will cause them to worry, am I better to keep quiet? But then am I being open and honest? When both sensitivity and authenticity are equally important, this is a tough decision. I’m sure you know the drill. Do we trade our inner truth for psychological safety or find courage to express it and face the consequences of disruption?
Inner conflict can be paralysing. In other words, it creates more resistance.
DISTRACTIONS
Did you start off lockdown with a list of things that you were finally going to get round to? Are there still lots of things on that list? Is there part of you that wishes you had more time, energy or focus to follow through, yet other things keep getting in the way? Distractions are the never-ending stream of demands that require discipline to manage.
With the prospect of lockdown ending, you may be facing the likelihood that life is going to get more demanding again — more options, more invitations, more resource required. Is there part of you that doesn’t want this?
Maybe unavoidable circumstances have reshaped your life in a way that is difficult to come back from, or you’ve made a big decision which means that new life choices have emerged. By following through, this may mean saying ‘no’ to things you previously would’ve said ‘yes’ to. It may mean disappointing people. It may take more energy. So rather than lean into the new, we may allow ourselves to be distracted or continue to practice old habits that don’t align with our new intentions or with who we are becoming.
In short, you may say you don’t like distractions but they serve a very useful avoidance purpose. Beware!
EGO
Before understanding why our Ego can be at the root of an inner lockdown, it may be helpful to clarify the definition. In my understanding, Ego is simply a collection of thoughts and beliefs about who I am. It’s our sense of self. Once this sense of self is established, we have an instinct to protect and preserve it. This can result in defensive behaviours and a tendency to prioritise our own needs and wants. It is our Ego that is perennially concerned about what people think of us and keeps a constant eye out for ‘what’s in it for me?’
Having spent much of the last 12 months feeling hidden away, unnoticed and unable to fulfil many of my usual roles, I can certainly recognize that my Ego has taken a dent. Also, being unable to earn the same income as I was used to, my role as ‘provider’ has been under threat. With an agenda to demonstrate that I am enough and I have enough, our Egos don’t like to admit we’re struggling.
For those who have lost a job, gained weight, struggled with mental health issues etc., despite the lure of new opportunities, it may be feeling more comfortable to stay at home, safe from the worry of potential shame or embarrassment.
As you consider and reflect on these sources of resistance, are you wondering how to make a start in finding a way through? Are you keen to break out of old limiting patterns and create a new way of being from the inside out? If so, look out for the follow up articles which address A — F in more depth.
In the meantime, awareness is an important first step, so you may find it valuable to re-read the article and start identifying the ways in which these sources of resistance are keeping you stuck in an inner lockdown.
(Footnote: If you’d rather not wait for the next articles to find out more, the six causes of resistance are detailed in the book ‘The Change Equation’ by Elizabeth J Oliver, available on Amazon)